It takes a minute to warm up to me, I am loud and spontaneous and more than likely about to annoy the shit out of you. I can talk for hours about everything or nothing at all, conversation direction is completely up to participating parties. I have a spiced attitude that some may not know quite how to handle, but I’m okay with that because I don’t want to sugar coat anything to appease the conversational diabetics. I’m kidding, of course I will appease your bitch ass….see I told you. I talk shit…I am a little crazy, at least that’s what my Doc says…as well as my husband, best friend and probably my doggo if she could verbalize. I have a bit of a sarcastic side with a slightly dark sense of humor. I enjoy taking the awkward and making it 100% worse. I do a few crazy things, I do a few wild things but really for the most part, I am pretty down to earth. My bark truly is worse than my bite.
However, there are a few things I have to say whenever the opportunity arises. Lets start with the phrase, “you’re pretty for a big girl”. Yeah, that’s right, read it again…”you’re pretty for a big girl”. Ooookay BUCKO, let me just tell you, THAT IS NOT A FUCKING COMPLIMENT. That is a backhanded slap to the face. Am I suppose to be overjoyed with the fact that you just called me pretty and fat in the same sentence? Or overjoyed from the “compliment” I just received from an overgrown man child whom plays video games until 3 am eating leftover meatloaf his mother cooked? GTFOH with that nonsense, I am not going to say “thank you” to you for that garbage. I didn’t ask your opinion of me, you felt the need to put it out there and now you get to reap all the wonderful benefits of doing so. This is in the same category as saying “you’re the skinniest fat girl”. Backhanded compliments won’t get you anywhere in life, or anywhere you’re attempting to be.
Am I pretty, or am I not pretty? If there is a “for a” in your complimenting sentence, don’t even speak to me. I don’t want to hear the “for a” line come out of your mouth Mr. I only like big women when my friends aren’t looking. Yeah, those are real guys. I am sure of the fact that most of us curvy women have all had at least 1 guy try to ride the wave in secret. “I don’t want my friends or family to know that I am dating anyone, they get weird”, no jerkoff, you just made the shit weird. Your family probably knows you’re a jerkoff too, and that’s why they make shit weird, trying to hand us a red flag warning to get the fuck out of dodge with your closet curvy loving ass.
Then there are the men whom encourage us to be big, get bigger at any and all costs. Yes, I love the fact that you’re accepting, however, you’re only doing it because of your own self-esteem issues and trust issues. You’d rather encourage us to eat and maintain or even gain extra weight over encouraging us to become healthier. And for what, the fear of us leaving you? The fear of us realizing that maybe you were enabling us to eat?
But the worst man I have ever ran across in my time is the man who pretends to accept you and your flaws as you are. They grow with you and they treat you well….then the shadow starts coming over them and they start saying small comments at first like “are you sure you want to eat that?” or “how about a salad instead fries” or “haven’t you had enough?” Yes, I encourage your encouragement but, I do not encourage you attempting to change me, especially if I was this way when we met. Like, MFER you know I was hefty! I didn’t sign a damn contract saying I would lose weight for YOU. Stop with the small under the breathe comments and come out and just say what the fuck you want. Being encouraging and being unknowingly naive and insensitive are two way different things. If you don’t even realize what you are saying is wrong, then I am gonna need you to turn around and walk away immediately.
But then there is the one man or woman that we meet that completely changes our perspective. The one that helps drive us to reach our maximum potential, not providing snarky comments and backhanded compliments. The ones that make every ounce of hard work, drop of sweat and sore muscle worth it. The ones that comfort us in our need and encourage us to continue. The ones that look at us, big or small, with love and compassion in their eyes. No matter what, they are proud to call you theirs. That’s the man for me. I have that, but I know what it’s like getting to that man. Weeding out the scrubs and the getting through the undertow of what seems like the never-ending amount of men that just aren’t good for you. Don’t give up, relationships are hard, but so is being a woman in general. Just remember every day that you’re worth the work. It took me a while to come to that conclusion. But I’m here now, ready to battle the world and go to the edge for myself. I hope you follow suite.