Introduction to my Feelings:
If you’re anything like me, then you’ve tried multiple diets in a never-ending loop of failure and regret. You’ve practically starved yourself trying to reach calorie deficits, lost buckets of sweat doing vigorous workouts and circuit training. You’ve been depressed and felt deprived, all because of the diets you were choosing. You’ve probably tried diet pills with very little success and never end up looking like the person on the box. You’ve probably looked at other men and women with envy or even jealousy, longing for the feeling of being able to do the same things they physically can do.
That was me. I woke up everyday attempting to feel smaller than my 350-pound body was. I tried diet pills, vigorous workouts for hours at a time, embarrassed myself in class workouts and gyms. Striving and pushing myself for a better, healthier, more attractive body. People don’t really discuss what its like to lose excess amounts of weight. Being considered morbidly obese is taboo in today’s society and simply and harshly put but is very unhealthy for us. We dream of different bodies, and what and who we would be had we not gotten large. We regret ourselves and our lifestyle choices, but at the same time, we battle an addiction. We do well for a while and say, “hey let’s have a cheat meal”, then our cheat meals activate the part of the brain that triggers food cravings. Our one cheat meal turns into cheat day, then cheat week and then before we know it we have gained everything back that we have lost in our success.
I would look at women running around at the park with their children and long for the feeling of not getting winded while chasing my toddler. I would long for the feeling of pain free hips, back and knees. I would get jealous watching people eat the things that I love but not gain any amount of weight. I would get physically angry hearing someone, anyone say how fat they were. Talking about clothing or beauty products just became awkward conversations. I always felt like I was less than a woman because I weighed more than most people. But these downfalls, they were all eye-openers for me. I currently use every one of these reasons or excuses, whichever you want to call them, as my personal motivation.
Everyday I am reminded on how much energy my body needs to keep up with my 2-year-old son and my 3-month-old son. I am constantly moving a majority of the time. Typical mom-stuff, filling drinks and bottles, feeding and cooking, sweeping and laundry, playing and teaching. But those things feel like chores without the proper energy levels, you feel tired and grouchy and just all around not wanting to do those simple tasks. You look to energy boosters like soda, energy drinks and coffee packed with sugar and cream. You don’t have the energy or the drive to cook breakfast, so you find something you can throw in the microwave. So just at the start of the day, we look at the less-nutritional options because we look for convenience, not substance.
I wanted to feel better, more confident, more attractive and sexier to my husband. I hated looking in the mirror, no matter what I bought or tried on, I just did not feel how I was supposed to. Sexy panties wouldn’t fit correctly because of my overhang. Jeans would be tight in the hips but loose on my legs and my butt. Shirts would be stretched over my torso and belly. I would have to wear extenders with my bra’s which make them even more uncomfortable. I resorted to wearing an ungodly amount of under clothing and layering’s, anything to try and keep my rolls from popping out. I started to hate myself, became depressed and then just “sad ate” all the time. I would buy candy bars and chips practically every time I would go to the store or gas station. I started hiding my food because I knew that I had a serious problem and I was ashamed of it.
My breaking point was during my pregnancy with my youngest son, I felt disgusting, no self-esteem and no self-love. I had to wait until after I had my child because I had gestational diabetes, so I couldn’t really adjust much of my diet without posing a possible threat to my son. So, I used this time to do research on diets and workouts. I started contemplating weight-loss surgery, looking into insurance options, payments and pricing. I finally decided that I wanted to have weight-loss surgery. I had a conversation with my OBG during my post-delivery appointment. He advised that it would practically be impossible for me to lose enough weight on my own to be healthy and suggested weight-loss surgery as well. He then gave me a recommendation to a Practitioner across town. I set the appointment and I was nervous, I was under the impression that I would be getting information on surgery. But little did I know, something greater was about to happen. Something was about to happen, that I never thought possible, something that doctors told me I wouldn’t be able to do on my own.