During the time that I had struggled with PCOS and getting pregnant I felt so low. I felt like I was taking away Milton’s chance of ever being a father. Weeks before I had actually found out I was pregnant, I wrote him a letter explaining to him how I believed it was time for us to go our separate ways so he could pursue his life and potentially fatherhood. I loved him so much, that I just needed him to be happy, that I wouldn’t be the person to take away his right to be a father, I felt like that’s exactly what I was doing by staying. I never ended up giving Milton this letter.
I felt broken, torn apart and less than a woman. I mean, I couldn’t do the one thing that women were literally created to do, have a child. It killed me, inside I was black as coal. I wanted to give up, shrink down to nothing.
But now that I am a mother of 2 wonderful children, I look back and realize how much I learned about not only myself but my husband as well. I learned that you shouldn’t give up hope, that regardless of your inability to achieve something, miracles can happen. I had never seen such a dark and emotional place until my battle with infertility. But without that battle, I wouldn’t be who I am today.
I also learned self-worth. I had to see myself at my lowest in order to grow mentally and emotionally. Now I’m using that self-worth to grow physically and achieve weightloss.
I look at my children and I’m honestly overjoyed with my struggle. I believe it makes them mean so much more to me. I went through years of emotional self hate because of my inability to conceive them. I had literally given up, I prepared myself for never having children. I didn’t worry about what my life meant to anyone else because to me, at the end of the day it wouldn’t matter. Now that I know these things to be different I am so thankful for my struggle.
I learned that my husband is patient and kind. That he sympathized for me, that he felt what I felt as well. I learned so much about him during our struggle, and he doesn’t even know it. I can read his emotions like a book. I could feel his disparity in his touch. Now, I see everything he has ever wanted in his eyes, I can see the love in him shine like a ray from the sun. This man was meant to be a father, it just took time to make it happen the way it was suppose to.
At the end of the day, no matter how hard or easy it was, I’m thankful for everything I have been through. It built me because it broke me. I had to find myself during this time. I’m still looking for pieces of me, but if I know one thing without a doubt, it will all play out how it’s supposed to in the end.