The Scary Thoughts of Cancer

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Scatter brained is how I would describe myself this last month. Everything seemed to be in shambles. The feeling of inevitable doom lingered over my head in a dark cloud. Facing things alone is one of the scariest and most lonely things you’ll ever do. I learned how weak I can be in the last 4 weeks.

Milton was in Germany, so I was already somewhat overwhelmed with feeling of loneliness. A few days before milton left I ended my monthly period. But just 2 days after he left, I started another period. Weird right? Especially since I’ve never experienced this, I’m used to sporadic periods and odd timing, but never 2 in one month. This raised my suspicion and I was worried enough to set a drs appointment. I went to my OBGYN 2 days later where they ran an ultrasound and discovered some polyps. The dr told me we’d need to do a biopsy to check for cancerous cells. I really didn’t know how to handle the word cancerous.

Internally I freaked out, externally I freaked out. I binge ate what I’m pretty sure was my weight in M&Ms and ice cream. I explained everything to Milton, my mother, my brother and a few close friends. All whom had the same positive reaction to it, all of them saying, “everything will be fine”. Now, yes I needed the positivity, and I appreciate it, but to me it didn’t help. My mind was stuck on the “what if” aspect. The aspect of all things that come with cancer.

The biopsy was set for a Thursday at 1pm. I freaked out the entire time. I don’t take prescription medications that are classified narcotic, and I was having a hard time dealing with having to take a Valium for the procedure. I got a friend to take me to the appointment and another to watch the children for the entire day just in case I had any adverse reactions to the procedure or medication. I got to the appointment, into the room and I seen the scope. This thing was every inch of 2 feet long, the ever-so dreaded duck bill stretcher, a scraper and some other miscellaneous materials. I was freaking out, sweating and every bit of nerve wracked. The time comes and I’m stirruped in, and I hear my dr say “1 2 3 POKE”….This man had just given me a shot in the cervix! Let me tell you, I seen my life flash in front of my eyes. Procedure continues with some pain and discomfort. It’s over, I get up and there is the largest blood puddle I’ve ever seen in my life. The dr continues to talk to me, and is very blunt with his perspective on things. He tells me he is going to have the results within a week, to try and stay calm and relax.

All weekend I hated life, I hated anticipation, I hated the potential of what could happen. I dreaded what could be told to me, I hoped to be wrong about my ever-so growing suspicion. I tried so hard to be positive, I failed at it. Finally I get a call stating my results are in, however my dr won’t call me with any answers until the following day. I was confused why they told me they were even if I couldnt find out the outcome. Stressed for one more night. The following day I finally received a call saying that the polyps are inflamed, and that I need to have an Ablation and Tubal Ligation performed, but they are noncancerous.

I was so relieved I cried for at least 10 minutes, but then I was angry. Not at the fact that it was cancerous, but at the fact that I went from not being able to have children, to having children back to not being able to have another one if I wanted to. Now I know this is illogical and irrational because I wanted to have a tubal done anyways, I don’t see myself wanting more children. But the thing is, that way decision, now I feel like I again don’t have a choice, back to square one.

I’m scheduled for the 25th of September for this procedure. I’ve been able to come to terms with everything and have a more positive attitude towards everything. I am nervous about a surgery, as I’ve never had one before. I know I’ll be fine. Just worried and a bit nervous. But Milton will be home for the procedure and I don’t feel so alone now that he is home. I’m very relieved it wasn’t cancerous, but I was so scared. I couldn’t stop thinking about my family and how it would impact them.

I’ve definitely learned that my family cares, and they love me. (I already knew this, but this experience made it even more apparent) I can’t see myself without them, and am so thankful for them, in ways they will never fully understand.

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